themadmaiden: (My dreams)
Katie ([personal profile] themadmaiden) wrote2014-09-03 12:28 pm
Entry tags:

Portal Library AU

"Hello and welcome to the Aperture Science Library. My name is Cave Johnson, Chief Library Scientist. I run the place. Now I know what you're thinking. Cave, is library science a real science? Will Aperture really live up to your claims that older non scientific libraries are obsolete? And why did the opening of this fine establishment get delayed four years? Well the answer to all of those is a resounding YES....and budget reasons. Now I'd like you all to meet my lovely library science helper Caroline. Sorry boys, she's library science."

"Just to let everyone know that we've replaced the normal library clerks with new Aperture ShelverBots. So if you catch a metal creature stalking the shelves, you can pat yourself on the back for seeing Library Science future in the making!....Just don't pat the robots on the back, we still haven't gotten them 100% programmed yet and they may try to shelve you.”

“If you see any books flying up on the stacks, do not panic. These are just some genetic experiments we've been working on to combine book and homing pigeon. Wave of the the future stuff here. You won't have to return your books, the books will return themselves! Until then, avoid making sudden movements in the nature section, we think that's where they're nesting.”

“It has come to my attention that there have been some complaints on the nature and volume of these announcements. Not to worry, we here at Aperture always listen to the public, we hear you loud and clear. And to that extent, more speakers will be placed around the library so you can hear us loud and clear!”

“If you see any holes in the books you're borrowing please report them to the front desk. There seems to be some sort of mutant bookworm making it's way through the library. Don't worry about it though, we're already well at work to see if we can convince it to eat something less important, like human flesh.”

“If you have any donations you would like to make to the library, be they books, newspapers, scientific experiments or simply yourself, please get in touch with Caroline in our main office. She'll fill you in on all the forms you need to sign.”

“Just a reminder that we've changed the titles of the "extra" workers here from test subjects, to ...what was it Caroline? ....that's right 'library assistant' They'll still be wearing the same orange jumpsuit though, so avoid them to them if you need any help and go straight to the men and women in labcoats.”

“The Summer Reading program is starting soon and what better time to get your kid reading and working on science? The program is open to all children ages...whenever. We really don't care. Just sign up so our statistics will go up.”

“Just a reminder to all parents that this is not a daycare. If you leave your children unintended, we will assume you are donating them to the library.”

“For those of you not aware, the library does not run on a barter system. You have fines, you pay them up. Science libraries aren't free.”

“Anyone caught stealing from the library will be left in a room with the library experiments. Now I know that sounds like a baseless threat but trust me, there is a reason the public isn't allowed in the basement. Nasty stuff down there. On that note, good job boys, you're really furthering library science.”

“We've decided to streamline the library to get more space. In that regards we'll be removing .....75% of all shelving. Open areas from now on.”

“I would just like to note that we will not be going ahead with the shelving removal as the homing books are defending their territory more then we thought they would. Lost three librarians. With that in mind if you're interested in joining our science team, Caroline is accepting resumes.”

“Now it has come to my attention that some of you patrons have been returning our material to that 'new' copyright stealing library Black Mesa. I know technically they were open first and according the mission statements we're supposed to 'share' a collection' but we all know that's just so they can get their greedy hands on our work. Anyone who gives them our material is therefore banned from the library. No exceptions.”


“The library will be closing in twenty minutes, we will be opening bright and early tomorrow morning so you won't miss any exciting library science.”

“The library is now closing in ten minutes and let me take this opportunity to remind you that if you've fallen asleep here and we lock you in, technically we can't be held liable for anything that happens. ...Just saying.” 

“Alright this is your final warning, five minutes to get out before we lock up. You're a dedicated believer in library science but we need to run some tests on the homing pigeons and they really do not like to be watched.” 

“The library is now closed. If you somehow missed our other three announcements and are still in the building we are going to assume that you've decided to donate your body to the Aperture Science Library. Welcome to the team library assistant. We've filled the paperwork out for you already so you just have to go to the elevator. A shelverbot will meet you there with your new library jumpsuit.” 

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